What self care actually looks like (and what it isn’t)
I love new journals and planners. The fresh pages, the pretty cover, the feeling of possibility… it’s almost worth the dopamine hit, even if I know I probably won’t use them for more than a few days. You’d think I would’ve learned by now, but part of me still chases that little high of getting my life together on paper. Particularly those planners with the perfect little checklists at the bottom? Drink 8 glasses of water. Step outside. Meditate.
They look so nice and neat with the little boxes to tick. But they make me feel I’ve failed because I rarely tick the boxes. And isn’t this the perfect metaphor for the wellness industry’s idea of self-care? Self-care as a performance.
The Sunday resets. The 5am yoga classes. The skincare rituals. The supplements. So. Many. Things. To. Remember.
To. Do.
Why Self-Care Has Become So Exhausting
We’ve sold a version of self-care that’s beautifully packaged but deeply performative.
It tells us if we just wake up earlier, drink more water, journal consistently, eat the “right” foods, take the right supplements, book the massage, move our bodies, track our habits - we’ll feel better. We’ll finally arrive.
But instead of feeling cared for, many of us feel like we’re failing. We’re already tired, stretched, holding a thousand things. And now even rest has become a job. Our productivity-obsessed culture has taught us that even self-care should look a certain way.
There’s a quote by Brianna Wiest that says:
“If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with 'treating yourself' and a whole lot to do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.”
I think she’s so spot on. The idea of parenting yourself is so relevant. It is meeting your own needs. It’s taking responsibility for your own life just as you would your child or loved ones.
What self care actually looks like, as an Enneagram 4, mum to one, HSP:
Actually looking at my bank balance. It’s often a case of out of sight, out of mind for me when it comes to mind. Looking at the numbers and seeing whats what is not something I enjoy doing but is part of adult life and I’m gently tackling the avoidance.
Calling an accountant to do your tax return. Related to the above, getting the ball rolling is half the struggle.
Washing my hair and putting product in my hair after I wash it. I have long brown wavy, fluffy hair that begs for someone to care for it. I am so low maintenance when it comes to hair and beauty. But putting some leave in conditioner I am at least giving it some love.
Donating those clothes sitting in a bag in my spare room.
Purchasing clothes that actually fit and feel good. I’ve been wearing the same few items in my closet for years, and all of them felt kind of “blah.” I don’t enjoy shopping, but I recently bought some nice linen pants, a couple of pairs of shoes, and have been on an op shop spree, finding a few gems each time.
Blocking out a full day in my calendar for no plans. I do this every 5 weeks, it is not nearly frequent enough but for now it will do.
Asking for help and being real about what’s going on. With my husband. With friends. With my therapist. This comes quite naturally to me—but I’m learning how powerful it is to say things out loud, not just carry them silently.
Ordering takeaway because I need a break from the kitchen. And not feeling guilty about it.
Letting joy lead what it is I’m working on in my business, rather than following any rules or expectations. This naturally aligns with my energy for the day and creates more flow.
Being honest with myself about what’s not working. I started The Well membership in April this year and am really loving how it has come together. Yet it's taken more of me than I thought and I’ve had to really rejig how I want it to looks like for the next ‘round’. I have been loving Jen Carringtons podcast 'Simple and Spacious business to remind me thats its not only okay but essential to pause, recalibrate, and choose ease.
I hope by sharing some of my own version of self-care in real life, you feel a little less alone in how messy and ordinary it can be.
The Well – A Place to explore true self care
If you've ever longed for a space where where you're allowed to move slower, feel deeper, and honour your actual self - that's exactly why The Well exists.
There is already a lovely community of women practising intuitive, seasonal and soulful living. Inside The Well, we honour the ebbs and flows of life, we daily check in with each other to honour where we are at, we cheer each other along.
You’ll find resources to help you live a more intuitive life and have support from myself and the community. You’re allowed to define what self care actually means to you in this specific season you’re in.
Head to the The Well page to find out more and register your interest for next round if it’s something you feel drawn to.